I woke up this morning, this is when my thoughts are always clear. I pulled the curtains back and I watched the sunrise. The overwhelming feeling of love took me over, ” Love just is.” Waves of this deepened love washed over me like an ocean of sunshine bathing my soul. This Is-ness of love I have been experiencing does not have to grasp, push away or control to have its way. It does not go way but remains in my heart as an open space of allowing and surrendering to what is. This door of my heart was opened by another human-being. A very human love full of desire, longings, hopes, wishes and fears. But as time has gone on it has turned into something else, a mystical experience that has taken beyond the boundaries of my rational mind of safety. It has opened me to this uncharted territory of my heart.
At a very early age we are taught it is not safe to allow our self to really love, little by little we are taught to shut down and protect. We are then condemned to a life that does not allow one to be true to the heart.
How much in my life have I experienced to have to understand this? The lines between myself and others have become ever so thin. My interactions with others have been becoming a mirror of myself to look into. This perspective has deepened my compassion for others because in my reality it just another aspect of me.
I have known the parts of myself, the desperate woman clinging to my mate longing for his faithfulness and devotion. And this type of scenario created only rage or trying to control another person behavior. This was not love. I have known the rejected woman where I have turned upon myself and fallen into the illusions I was not enough. This behavior only leaves one into self-destruction.
I have also known the heat of love that filled with so much passion and longing that the mere thought of not being with one’s beloved was pure torture. I known the everyday love of being there for another, raising a family and carrying the load of responsibility.
But it was showing up for the dying that has taught me the most about love. Watching the endless patterns that every human being carries in their life unwind as one approaches the door of death. Witnessing the dying has taught me so much, different then birth that is filled with all the possibilities of life. It is through death that each disappointment, each person one clings to is returned at death’s door. Death has had it profound effect on the way I now live, for it is taught me that only love remains and goes on after we leave this Earth. Love linger as memories, good, bad or indifferent in the hearts of those we leave behind. And when the slate of life has been cleaned all that remains is the Is-ness of Love.
I have found it takes great humility to live such a way. That it has become harder for me to hold up the false mask that I do not love another. It has stripped away from me all my human layers and have laid me vulnerable in relationships. This has been what life has been teaching over the last several years. It is not that I do not long for the human love and what love can bring to one’s life….But life has been showing me another way to live and I can only learn from truly showing up and living in the everlasting Is-ness of love. It can only be shown through the vulnerability of us being very human not from sailing in the lofty heights of detachment. It can only be found allowing one to go deep in the heart and all the layers of human desire and disappointment. It is our greatest fear and also our deepest longing to be Loved and to Love. And it not about who wins the game of love but how deeply we have allowed our self to love and shed our illusions. I am just a student of love and I am learning.